I really love my Vampire Freaks account. When most people learn I use that site, they assume I’m the worst kind of fag. It’s truly entertaining, however. Every login I am greeted with the currently online members. When this piece of shit site works properly and doesn’t make them all disappear, I always scroll through their pictures. I find the sexy, aggressive girls that reject you in their profile before you get the chance, the over-compensating ones with no real target for their aggression. Their dislikes usually include liars and fakes and a ton of minor annoyances. Their personal information and likes are meant to be as intriguing as possible to elicit you to comment or arbitrarily rate them a 10. Likes: science, history, shiny things, pink. Yes, you are seemingly quirky and cute but also brooding and intelligent.
Their photos reveal a deeper look into who they are than their own admissions. Girl A has 360 photos of herself, in a folder dedicated to her pursuit of a modeling career. The full extent of this pursuit is dressing up and having a friend take pictures, usually unfocused and poorly framed. To create an atmosphere, the photos are taken in the great outdoors, though usually just in the girl’s back yard. Since the area is limited, there’s not many options. 5 or 10 pictures with your arms wrapped around a tree, 15 or so with one leg up on the tree, another 3 or 4 staring at the leaf in your hand plucked from the tree. This is art, this is depth, this is counterculture, and fuck anyone that doesn’t like it! Girl A has less than 10 friends, she doesn’t consider people from the internet to be friends. Her modeling pictures are very über-goth, but the other pictures she has are usually of her in her prom dress or wearing a sideways hat flashing gang signs. She may even have a few in over-sized sunglasses cheek-to-cheek with a nameless friend. Now that you think about it, Girl A isn’t very goth at all, just look at her band list.
Girl B’s pictures are all self-taken in her bedroom (maybe a few early ones were taken in the bathroom mirror) from a downward angle, fully dressed and in full makeup worn for the photo shoot, not for a night out. The angle is the easiest way to hide the double chin, and leaves out the whole body except the breasts. She only has one or two pictures of herself and her display picture is either Marilyn Monroe or some flea market art of a fairy. Girl B is worth befriending and reading her blog. The first week or two will just be her venting about every little thing wrong in her life, especially her parents, but every now and then her temperament changes completely and she’s very cheery about watching Twilight at a sleepover or buying Phantom of the Opera on DVD. Then one day she seems truly happy. “I’ve found someone,” she’ll say, and profess her undying love. This person’s identity is never revealed, nor any details. Their interests, hair color, sweet things they say, half the time even their sex is left to guess. No more than 2 days later will begin the complaints of how this person never calls, or how she feels they’re growing apart, and it’s killing her because she loves them so much! These sort of posts will continue every few days for a week, then she’ll let it be known that it truly is over. The love of her life, she’ll never get over it and she is truly devastated. The next few weeks or even month she’s back to saying how much she hates her parents or whatever, and every now and then express how desperately alone she is and the fact that she can’t do anything right, and she always asks the question “why do I even try?”, until she finally finds someone new and her life is complete. It’s love, truly, honestly. It’s more powerful than anything she’s ever felt and she KNOWS it will work with this one. Girl B’s comments are hidden, and if you manually go to her comment page’s URL she has none. My suspicion is that she either hides it so nobody sees that nobody has anything to say to her, or because even with this desperate grapple at the power of true love, she’s still a fucking slut and talking to people on the internet and hides comments then deletes them immediately after she reads them just in case.
Girl C has nearly as many pictures as Girl A and finds it creepy when people start hitting on her out of the blue. This girl’s profile probably states that she doesn’t want guys hitting on her or comments about her looks, and complains that you probably won’t actually read her profile. She lists the names of her pets, her zodiac sign, how much she loves her family, her favorite color, her favorite quote, every piece of information that’s relevant to the kind of person she is. Her band list is probably extensive and diverse, from Avenged Sevenfold to Hollywood Undead and everything between. She probably resides in Hell, [state] and has some unique response to every field showing what an individual she is, such as orientation: slut or religion: fuck religion. She apparently thinks that the Yahoo!, MSN Messenger and AIM fields are required, because she fills them in as “don’t even ask” or “no” instead of just leaving them blank. Then again, maybe that’s just to illustrate the point that you will not be carrying on a friendship with her. As you scroll through her pictures she will perform a strip tease for you, removing more and more of her clothes. The captions on her picture will read, “since this is all you guys want to see, fine, there’s my ass.” She demands that you not send her a friend request without speaking to her first, but she has has 580 friends. If you rate her, she will gladly rate you back. If you comment her and tell her she’s sexy, she will make a giggle smiley and thank you. If you ask her to make you a fan sign in her underwear, she’ll ask what body part to write on. Girl C is a self-proclaimed bitch and not afraid to speak her mind but she’ll be your best friend, and everyone else’s.
If you get bored with those girls, there’s plenty of boys to look at. There’s the kid with the six-pack that’s very proud of it, usually wearing a sideways cap over his Justin Bieber hair and skinny jeans, the old guy that recently went on a shopping spree and Hot Topic and is now trying to find himself a goth girl (or more likely, an emo boy), the fat guy who’s totally done up with spikes, dyed hair, facial tats, piercings, face paint, and a lot of eye liner. You can check out the personals, there’s a surprising number of kids stupid enough to actually want to try drinking a stranger’s blood, and plenty of lonely Girl B’s that are looking for their 12th VF boyfriend of their sophomore year, or maybe their first ever. If you’re a chick you can find a guy to own you as a pet and “dominate your ass.” There’s new bands to discover, lots of watered down mall elevator-friendly techno-industrial bands with alternating caps and nonce compounds and strings of numbers following. Open yourself up to invites, you’ll find at least 150 new bands a day that way, and make so many friends in the cults.
I haven’t read many, but they seem to actually give good interviews. Every now and then I see one in Jet’s news posts and check it out, and I’m amazed at how coherent and informed the interviewer is. The news is the most important feature, it keeps you up to date on the newest smileys (by newest, I mean new to VF - your favorites from around the web!), the newest VF shirt designs you can buy buy buy, valued sponsors’ new steampunk apparel 10% off, and massive organized daygoth events like water gun fights, evil bake sales, and blood drives (vampires, blood drive, get it? I hear this last one didn’t go too well, most of the vampz got turned away because of their ink and piercings - oops).
Vampire Freaks.com keeps me entertained for at least a few moments every day of the week, and it’s gotten me laid a few times. Srsly? It’s worth checking out. The occasional interview is a pretty good read (but that’s just a fluke and really not any selling point at all), it’s the best way to fuck a goth chick if that’s what you’re into, and it gives countless lolz. Just watch out that your head doesn’t explode when you see 50 different chicks saying the 14 year-old with his MCR shirt pulled up, his boxers and his pudge showing and signing that he eats pussy is “so fucking sexy” and “gorgeous.”
